Loneliness is the Most Terrible Poverty

I’m lonely.

I can’t even describe my loneliness

…Mommy is stuck in bed: she can’t move (and Mommy, don’t feel guilty – you are entitled to rest and get better)…Thais is now in India (and Thais, no feeling bad – you keep having fun and sending back photos…the boy that I may have been interested in (and who I had hoped may help me escape this total solitude) is out-of-bounds…and I can’t confide in my cousin/friend (who ‘called’ the boy out of bounds) because I am still angry that she has imprisoned me in my isolation (whether the boy and I worked out or not)…

The last few days I have stayed in the same pyjamas, not leaving the house – swimming in my seclusion. Is there a record for how long some-one can stay in one pair of pyjamas non-stop?

I’m looking forward to the hospital because I’m hoping the higher dose of ketamine will let me sleep for the whole week – that’s a week less loneliness! (And I’ve organised extra posts for this blog, just in case I am unable to string two words together.)

I’m realising that I have nothing to do – no work, no friends, no life – and I’m hitting the ‘now what?’ time. I can’t be bothered with anything – it’s just sad. Despondency is the only word I can think of.

I tried to distract myself by starting a new website – it’ll be called fibromodem.com – and putting everything in the one place. All I got was brain frazzled (and couldn’t do anything for 2 days – good thing that I save some extra research posts for such occasions)! The website will be up soon…it just seems that I need a little more time than I originally thought. I HATE that I can’t have what I want immediately (especially when I’m using it to hide from myself!)

I have no idea how to fix this problem. I have no idea how to meet any new people. I have no idea why all my old friends are gone.

I know that all of you (whether you’re married, attached or single) understand this without me having to find the right words, and I realise that many of you look to me for some answers; but this time, I have no solutions.

Related articles

• It’s Okay To Be Lonely (thoughtcatalog.com)
• ‘Loneliness can weaken your immune system’ (thehindu.com)
• The loneliness epidemic (guardian.co.uk)
• Attention Single, Divorced and/or Friendless

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everybody!

Once again, it’s time to start again: clean the slate and hold onto our resolutions (for as long as we can!)

Hopefully we won’t just suffer with our pain; maybe we can find a positive side:

Someone once said ‘just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.’

In much the same way, when we are faced with a crisis (and we are definitely in crisis!), we must search within ourselves to find new resources & greater inner strength.

In Australia, we have a type of plant known as the Banksia.  An interesting characteristic of about half of the species of Banksias is that the seed-bearing follicles only open with the heat of a bushfire.

A bushfire is a catastrophic and destructive event. However, the plants can only release their seeds during a fire.  The fire then, is the catalyst for the Banksia to procreate and grow new young plants.

So, as far as the Banksia is concerned, the fire is a good thing.  Without the fire, the very existence of the species is in jeopardy.

Like the caterpillar trapped in his cocoon & like the Banksia plant enduring a bushfire, we all experience the inevitable setbacks in our life that could potentially serve as springboards for our personal growth.

Let us all believe that the struggles we withstand awaken our inner giants – and make this year, a year of fulfillment and personal growth. Happy New Year to you and your friends and families.

 

The Pain of Family vs the Pain of Fibromyalgia

Bet you thought the saga with my father was over, huh? Wrong!

So, first, we had the letter I sent, followed by the thoughtful text he sent…and then silence on the western front.

When we had the family event for my brother’s birthday, I asked my brother if he wanted to invite his father (even Mommy thought it was a good idea). My father decided he would do his own thing with Mitch.

A couple of days before my operation, my father called to wish me luck. It was a very abrupt phone call with no other discussion permitted.

I decided to send some of the photos of my brother and his son (at the birthday party) to my father, as my brother would never do it and I thought he would like them. I didn’t attach a message – they just were.

So, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from my father:

When I was in rehab, you had a letter delivered, which everyone in the room read, attacking both Yvonne and myself over things you know nothing about. We are very upset about this, and therefore if you want any sort of relationship with me or Yvonne, you will write and have delivered both a letter of apology to Yvonne and myself. Dad.

I waited a day (as suggested by my Mommy) so I wouldn’t overreact then replied:

Yes, Dad, I sent a letter marked PERSONAL to you; and you chose to share it.

The letter was not meant as an attack on either you or Yvonne – it was a missive to you (and you only) describing my feelings; the letter was an explanation of how I feel. And I will not apologise for my feelings.

After much thought, I believed that this was the only way for me to communicate to you my point of view. I spent a lot of time and emotion writing that letter so that you could understand me. It upset me to write the letter but I thought it was necessary as it was becoming impossible to approach you alone, and in a non-emotional state (every phone call with you ended with me in tears).

I had hoped that the letter would encourage you to acknowledge my feelings; and allow us to talk about them and your reciprocal feelings. But I guess not.

P.S. I sent the photos because I thought you might want some photos of your son and grandson. Don’t worry – I won’t do it again.

Today, I received a reply. My first thought when I saw the email was ‘leave me alone!’

The whole reason I wrote the letter was so I would no longer be stressed by the situation and here it is, encroaching on every day. And, in my recuperating state, I just don’t give a damn. I hurt so just go away!

Anyway, his email:

Firstly, Yvonne has been my partner for over 20 years, and we do not have any secrets.

Secondly, I do know the difference between writing about feelings and unsubstantiated rhetoric. Writing that Yvonne is alienating me from my friends and that I am only staying with her because I have nowhere else to go is uninformed bull and just plain nasty. This is what I want the written apologies for, after which we are willing to sit down and discuss your feelings and anything else you might want. Dad.

I just want this to end – I had already come to terms with the fact that I would be upset to not have a relationship with my father; but that was more because he is my father, not because of the wonderful, supportive person he is in my life. I have had the time to think about it all logically and unemotionally and decided that I really wasn’t going to be missing anything. But it seemed that this was never going to be over and I would have to deal with the stress of it forever.

So, my reply,after thinking about it for a day, just in case I am being overemotional or overreacting or just plain over it:

As I said in my original letter, concerning the two statements for which you request an apology, ‘…that’s just my psycho-babble – I could have it very wrong…’ and, obviously, you think I have; so, yes, I apologise (you can have that in a written letter).

Nonetheless, I wanted to talk, about the topics in the letter, with you alone (hence the personal letter). It has nothing to do with having secrets from Yvonne. It has to do with how you and I relate to each other.

You have made it clear that you are not interested in ever ‘choosing me…’ so, I guess, following receipt of my written apologies, we will endeavour to preserve some sort of relationship.

And I have two pretty, little pink envelopes with two pretty, little pink cards inside that say:

I am sorry that some of the comments in my letter offended you. It was not my intention.

As I said in my original letter, the comments, which you have described as unsubstantiated rhetoric, were ‘just my psycho-babble’ and that ‘I could have it very wrong.’ Obviously, I did; and I apologise for that.

Can it all be over now? Please?

P.S. For those who were worried, my shoes are all lined up like soldiers along the wall now thanks to my Mommy and Henry (her other half).

Related articles

• He’s Back! Oh, no…Wait, He’s Gone Again! (fibromodem.wordpress.com)
• Fibromyalgia Support (everydayhealth.com)

Attention Single, Divorced and /or Friendless

 

Firstly, some facts (this is not me feeling sorry for myself, just facts):

• I am single (read divorced and/or friendless depending on your situation)
• I am sick (with no cure on the immediate horizon)
• I have only one friend who actually visits with me
• I have no particular interests outside my home

So, I was thinking, is this my lot in life forever? Will I ever meet a prospective partner? How will I meet a prospective partner? Does he deserve a partner who is continually unable to meet her responsibilities? Okay, forget a partner, how about some new friends?

These questions sent my mind racing – I can’t drive more than about 10 kilometres before my arms, shoulders and head start to hurt; I can’t go to parties (even if I was invited) because the noise and other distractions are too much for me to handle; there are no clubs or groups in my area that I wish to join. So, what is a FM sufferer to do?

Why, take to the internet, of course! ‘How to meet new people’ was my search term:

Succeed Socially.com offered a list of places to meet people

• Through your friends, significant other, and other people you already know

This point obviously will not work for one in my situation

• Work

I am still unable to work

• Volunteering

As I am unable to be reliable in a work situation, I am unable to commit to volunteering. I used to volunteer regularly at a local legal centre – it was incredibly satisfying and I miss being able to help others.

• Classes

I go to my self-help hydro groups, where the closest person in age to myself is about 25 years older than me. They are a lovely group at Hydro but I doubt greatly that we have very much in common outside being ill and/or disabled.

• A club or organization

The appeal here is obvious. You join up and you instantly know a group of people who share a similar interest to yours. But what happens if you no longer have any interests? Other than researching fibromyalgia, spreading awareness about fibromyalgia and raising funds for fibromyalgia research. Kind of sounds like I should join or start my own fibromyalgia support group, right?  But, with this type of group, it would probably take all our efforts just to turn up to meetings, let alone maintain friendships outside the group.

• A sports team or league

Are you kidding?

• Through your religion

I am not religious. I believe in a higher being but I do not know of a public denomination which shares these same values.

• Through your kids

Another moot point for me

• Your living situation

Living in a large building with lots of other people your age around is better than being in a small place with no one who’s similar to you. Guess what my situation is? I live in a block of units (alone) where, currently, there is no-one with any similarities to me at all. How can this happen? (rhetorical question!)

• Your family

No real help there, although my grandfather (before he died) tried to set me up with a 71-year-old ex-doctor.

• At a party

Too much noise, too many people, just TOO!

• An individual sport

How many FM sufferers do you know who do a sport? And I’m not one of them.

• Online

Hmm…what would my ad look like:

SWF in chronic pain, with control freak tendencies, seeking understanding, compassionate friends with low expectations.

Would any of you answer that one?

 

There were a number of other suggestions but you get the idea…so, tell me, fibroMAGICians, what do you do?

Related articles

• Coping With Friendlessness (thewaveofthoughts.com)
• Poem about being a loner II (grannyslittleprojects.wordpress.com)

 

Embracing (and loving) my Bills

 

I LOVE paying bills! Am I nuts? Or what?

Unpaid bills stress me out big time BUT the relief and sense of satisfaction, when I press confirm on the keyboard and wait to receive my receipt number, leaves me feeling back in control of my life.

Are you seeing a continuing theme here?

I NEEDED to de-clutter my house to feel like I was gaining control over my life…

I LOVE paying my bills for the exact same reason…

Am I a control freak?

The phrase was first used in the late 1960s — an era when great stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.

Control freaks are often perfectionists, who believe if they are not in total control, they risk  exposing their own inner vulnerabilities. When a control freak’s pattern is broken, “the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves”.(Patricia Evans, Controlling People (Avon 2002) p. 129 and p. 274)

I know that I NEED to control my own environment (and I’m very lucky as I live alone and can do so) because I feel powerless against my Fibromyalgia. I take all the appropriate medication; I pace myself as applicable; I supplement my diet with numerous vitamins and minerals; I have embraced a multi-modal treatment plan; and I have all the tools in my toolbox to help control my pain YET, if my body decides it wants to FLARE, there is nothing I can do about the pain and fatigue, except to give in to it. So, of course, I feel powerless – don’t you?

Many control freaks (now using the term without any derogatory meanings) are Type A personalities. Hmm…many sufferers of FM are Type A personalities.

Coincidence?  Could FM be your body’s alert system to take it easy, to stop and smell the roses, to let the universe handle the world around you?

Are you a control freak?

Related articles

• Resist the Temptation to be a Control Freak (conversationagent.com)
• How To Tame Your Inner Control Freak (forbes.com)
• Control freak! (lilyroseyolyz.wordpress.com)
• Controlling Control (venturegal.com)

 

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

 

I received a message from some-one today that had me thinking (not always a good thing!)…you know how you can have a bad day (or even just a blah day)? It can be a pain day; an emotionally draining day; a mentally challenging day, or just a depressing day.

And even when you say to yourself: that’s enough, time to stop feeling sorry for yourself…your face keeps leaking (that’s what I call it, because sometimes it’s for no reason whatsoever and the word crying doesn’t feel like the right word anymore).

I think (but I’m no expert) that sometimes it’s okay to own your pain (emotional and physical). It’s okay to feel like crap and let it out – it seems to me to be a normal response to what we go through each and every day. (That’s why I can’t handle all those over-the-top positive pages – I mean, really, who is THAT positive all of the time?)

Yes, we have to be careful not to let it over-take us too often. Yes, we have to make sure that we have the necessary tools to handle both the ups and downs.  Yes, we need to recognise that our emotions are not us – they are something within us at the moment. As long as we realise that it WILL PASS.

We enjoy the ups – in fact, we write about them non-stop (when we have them), we congratulate each other, and we wish each other better times. But downs are part of life, too – and sometimes you just NEED to feel like this – so we should be able to embrace them (carefully), wallow in them (if we want to), and cuddle up in bed with them (and a heat pad) for a pity-party under the covers.

We need to HONOUR THE CYCLE: the world turns, the tides ebb and flow, the seasons change… Like the universe, our bodies are just a smaller version of it all. Things die and change and it hurts, but it is necessary to allow space for the new energy to move in.

Life is NOT always a rose garden!

 

 

It’s Like Taking Off a Band Aid

So when I was in the hospital on Thursday night/Friday morning, they took a tonne of my blood and put me on an IV (in case they had to operate) via a cannula. The cannula hurt but I expected that.

At about 4am, the junior ER doctor decided he didn’t believe that there was no fluid in my lap band so, unlike my doctor who merely puts the needle in the port with a slight prick (the needle, not the doctor!), this doctor finds the largest lap band needle in Victoria (and he sent to another hospital to get it!), gives me a local anaesthetic (which hurts but I expected that!), and then stabs me four times! Guess what? I was right – there was no fluid in my lap band. I had all the fluid removed when I became sick with depression and FM because I decided that I really didn’t give a rat’s arse (Aussie expression) about my weight until the rest of me was better. I had lost 35kgs and wasn’t in a better place (emotionally or physically!)

For those who don’t know, a lap band is like a sausage-shaped water balloon around you stomach. When you fill the balloon, it is harder for food to move into your stomach. When the balloon is empty, it is (supposed to be) easier for the food to enter your stomach. Now, there is a tube from the balloon to a port, which is attached to the inside wall of your tummy (you can feel it but you can’t see it) – this allows the doctors to change the amount of fluid in the balloon.

The point to this whole post is that the doctors and nurses did a lot of things in that hospital that hurt BUT the worst pain, the pain that I didn’t expect, and maybe because it’s the first time since all this crap rained down upon me, was removing the bandaids from my tummy and my hand. OMG!!!

More Tools to Add to Your Arsenal

Do you have the same thoughts going round and round in your head?

I’m not good enough.

I’ll never be good enough.

Even if I try my hardest, I won’t be good enough!

You’re trying to figure it all out, but you just can’t see a way out of your own head *uck? Here are just 4 tools to add to your arsenal, which will interrupt this cycle, stop the spinning, allow you to catch your breath, and open up to new, exciting possibilities that you haven’t been able to see yet.

1. STOP

Stop everything! EVERYTHING! PAUSE…BREATHE! Allow everything to be exactly as it is, Release all resistance and attachment

Imagine yourself hanging on to whatever you’re holding on to, with your hands, for dear life, with a big black hole beneath you. Now, LET GO and allow yourself to fall, fall down the black hole, keep falling, until you land on a beautiful, soft platform of golden light. The Universe, God, or whatever you might believe in holds you, loves you and supports you. ALLOW IT!

2. FEEL

Breathe…feel your body.

Breathe some more.

Breathe all the way down to your feet. Feel your feet touching the floor, wiggle your toes, push your big toes into the floor. Breathe deeply, sigh or groan as you breathe out. Try this at least 10 times.

What are you actually feeling?

Feel it! Express it! if you need to cry or scream, do it – it will leave you SO much lighter.

3. RELAX

Not necessarily meditation or a formal way of relaxation – I mean do something you LOVE and can fully engage with, which will switch off your mind chatter (it can still be meditation if that is what you love).

4. OPEN

Open up to new possibilities.

Ask questions without having specific answers in mind already, and without wanting them answered immediately. Simply ask and then forget about it. Allow space after the question, to free yourself from intellectualising it, and rather to be free to receive the answers when they come.

Questions like:

• What else is possible?
• What would the energy of my life be like, if I was living it for the joy of it?
• How could this situation be even better?

The Purpose of Life is a Life with Purpose

I’m kinda feeling like a boat with no rudder, like I’m running but with nothing to run towards.

I had a wonderful goal – to establish a charity that would help FM sufferers who needed help, financially and emotionally. The initial aim was to start in Victoria and then move on to the remainder of Australia. I couldn’t even get 50 Victorian sufferers who were willing to give me their names so I could show that we needed this kind of help.

And then, of course, my plans were (essentially) shot down in flames by Arthritis Victoria – but, then again, who can blame them? If Victorian sufferers don’t think we deserve some help, why should other Victorians?

But, it leaves me rudderless.

I shall continue to try to raise awareness, and use all funds collected from my shops and donation page (hmm…need not worry about that one as no-one has donated a cent) towards making posters, postcards and brochures, etc and distributing them in any way I can but, I no longer have a specific goal – which makes me sad and kinda makes it difficult to muster the desire to write about stuff…

Yes! I Have a Father.

As you know, I spend a lot of time with my Mommy – she makes up a major part of my life so, if you are going to have a conversation with me, she will probably be mentioned.

BUT, this post is NOT about my mother. It is about my father – Yes! I have a father! You haven’t heard about him much, have you? I can’t even remember if he has ever been mentioned in my blog at all. I love my dad very much but he’s the kind of father who figures that he got me to the age of 18, so he has done everything that he is supposed to do and can now just leave me be. Nonetheless, and unreasonably, I continue to strive to attain his approval and admiration. Realistically, I’m never going to get it. Yet, for some reason, I still try.

Now, I feel pretty safe about writing about this topic here because my father has never even bothered to look at my blog. According to ClustrMaps, 22,516 people have visited this blog – but not one of them is my father.

I’m not sure that my father actually knows what FM is – he doesn’t read any information that I forward to him in emails, so I printed it all out. He still didn’t bother to read anything – the papers are still sitting on the backseat of his car. He has never watched any of my videos. He hasn’t visited my Facebook page.

When I received 91% for my last (taxation law) exam, he said what happened to the last 9%. When I graduated with honours, he hadn’t even realised that I was graduating with honours and then asked why I wasn’t the dux. I stood outside the training sessions of his (religiously) favourite football team for three weeks in a row, in the middle of winter, so I could get him a football shaped port bottle signed by every member of the football team – the bottle sits in his garage. You get the idea.

Now, Mommy and Dad have been divorced/separated for over 20 years, and Dad has been with his current ‘partner’ for nearly 20 years. We don’t necessarily get along all of the time. She has been upset with me when I introduced her as Dad’s girlfriend, but she has also been upset when I said she was Dad’s partner. So, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to introduce her.

My father called me today for two reasons (and not one was to check how I was going): firstly, he was upset about one of my personal status updates on Facebook. I had written that I had woken up at 3am one morning, giggling, because I had been thinking (in my dream) how the pasties that strippers wear on their boobs could work on a penis. I have no idea about what the rest of the dream was about, but I thought it was funny, so I put it in a status update. Now what is really interesting is that Dad doesn’t look at Facebook (or that’s his excuse for not looking at my page) – his partner does, though.

The second reason he called was to tell me that, if I was trying to phone him around dinner time, call the house line. His partner thinks that I am trying to avoid speaking to her (rather than just making sure that I reach my father), so my father decided he should say something. Oh, and by the way, when you talk to her, be cordial, ask about her mother, her health, her sons…

But there are restrictions, I am not allowed to talk about my Mommy, or her partner, or that side of my family because she doesn’t like it. It upsets her.

So getting together with my father and his partner is a particularly comfortable setting – NOT! I don’t talk about my condition because they are not interested; I can’t talk about other stuff that I have been doing because, mostly, it involves my mother; and I am not permitted to get too excited about anything because then I’m acting like a child.

I don’t want to upset my father (still seeking his approval) so now, more often than not, I just shut up; but today’s phone call has my father asking me to involve her more because she feels left out.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I just can’t get it right. And this upsets me.

The bloody phone call happened about 4 hours ago and I’m still fuming.

Sorry about the rant (but at least it’s a new one and not about doctors!), and I could go on for pages and pages. At least you’ve now been introduced to my father.