I can’t even describe my loneliness
…Mommy is stuck in bed: she can’t move (and Mommy, don’t feel guilty – you are entitled to rest and get better)…Thais is now in India (and Thais, no feeling bad – you keep having fun and sending back photos…the boy that I may have been interested in (and who I had hoped may help me escape this total solitude) is out-of-bounds…and I can’t confide in my cousin/friend (who ‘called’ the boy out of bounds) because I am still angry that she has imprisoned me in my isolation (whether the boy and I worked out or not)…
The last few days I have stayed in the same pyjamas, not leaving the house – swimming in my seclusion. Is there a record for how long some-one can stay in one pair of pyjamas non-stop?
I’m looking forward to the hospital because I’m hoping the higher dose of ketamine will let me sleep for the whole week – that’s a week less loneliness! (And I’ve organised extra posts for this blog, just in case I am unable to string two words together.)
I’m realising that I have nothing to do – no work, no friends, no life – and I’m hitting the ‘now what?’ time. I can’t be bothered with anything – it’s just sad. Despondency is the only word I can think of.
I tried to distract myself by starting a new website – it’ll be called fibromodem.com – and putting everything in the one place. All I got was brain frazzled (and couldn’t do anything for 2 days – good thing that I save some extra research posts for such occasions)! The website will be up soon…it just seems that I need a little more time than I originally thought. I HATE that I can’t have what I want immediately (especially when I’m using it to hide from myself!)
I have no idea how to fix this problem. I have no idea how to meet any new people. I have no idea why all my old friends are gone.
I know that all of you (whether you’re married, attached or single) understand this without me having to find the right words, and I realise that many of you look to me for some answers; but this time, I have no solutions.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Once again, it’s time to start again: clean the slate and hold onto our resolutions (for as long as we can!)
Hopefully we won’t just suffer with our pain; maybe we can find a positive side:
Someone once said ‘just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.’
In much the same way, when we are faced with a crisis (and we are definitely in crisis!), we must search within ourselves to find new resources & greater inner strength.
In Australia, we have a type of plant known as the Banksia. An interesting characteristic of about half of the species of Banksias is that the seed-bearing follicles only open with the heat of a bushfire.
A bushfire is a catastrophic and destructive event. However, the plants can only release their seeds during a fire. The fire then, is the catalyst for the Banksia to procreate and grow new young plants.
So, as far as the Banksia is concerned, the fire is a good thing. Without the fire, the very existence of the species is in jeopardy.
Like the caterpillar trapped in his cocoon & like the Banksia plant enduring a bushfire, we all experience the inevitable setbacks in our life that could potentially serve as springboards for our personal growth.
Let us all believe that the struggles we withstand awaken our inner giants – and make this year, a year of fulfillment and personal growth. Happy New Year to you and your friends and families.
I LOVE paying bills! Am I nuts? Or what?
Unpaid bills stress me out big time BUT the relief and sense of satisfaction, when I press confirm on the keyboard and wait to receive my receipt number, leaves me feeling back in control of my life.
Are you seeing a continuing theme here?
I NEEDED to de-clutter my house to feel like I was gaining control over my life…
I LOVE paying my bills for the exact same reason…
Am I a control freak?
The phrase was first used in the late 1960s — an era when great stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.
Control freaks are often perfectionists, who believe if they are not in total control, they risk exposing their own inner vulnerabilities. When a control freak’s pattern is broken, “the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves”.(Patricia Evans, Controlling People (Avon 2002) p. 129 and p. 274)
I know that I NEED to control my own environment (and I’m very lucky as I live alone and can do so) because I feel powerless against my Fibromyalgia. I take all the appropriate medication; I pace myself as applicable; I supplement my diet with numerous vitamins and minerals; I have embraced a multi-modal treatment plan; and I have all the tools in my toolbox to help control my pain YET, if my body decides it wants to FLARE, there is nothing I can do about the pain and fatigue, except to give in to it. So, of course, I feel powerless – don’t you?
Many control freaks (now using the term without any derogatory meanings) are Type A personalities. Hmm…many sufferers of FM are Type A personalities.
Coincidence? Could FM be your body’s alert system to take it easy, to stop and smell the roses, to let the universe handle the world around you?
- Resist the Temptation to be a Control Freak (conversationagent.com)
- How To Tame Your Inner Control Freak (forbes.com)
- Control freak! (lilyroseyolyz.wordpress.com)
- Controlling Control (venturegal.com)
I received a message from some-one today that had me thinking (not always a good thing!)…you know how you can have a bad day (or even just a blah day)? It can be a pain day; an emotionally draining day; a mentally challenging day, or just a depressing day.
And even when you say to yourself: that’s enough, time to stop feeling sorry for yourself…your face keeps leaking (that’s what I call it, because sometimes it’s for no reason whatsoever and the word crying doesn’t feel like the right word anymore).
I think (but I’m no expert) that sometimes it’s okay to own your pain (emotional and physical). It’s okay to feel like crap and let it out – it seems to me to be a normal response to what we go through each and every day. (That’s why I can’t handle all those over-the-top positive pages – I mean, really, who is THAT positive all of the time?)
Yes, we have to be careful not to let it over-take us too often. Yes, we have to make sure that we have the necessary tools to handle both the ups and downs. Yes, we need to recognise that our emotions are not us – they are something within us at the moment. As long as we realise that it WILL PASS.
We enjoy the ups – in fact, we write about them non-stop (when we have them), we congratulate each other, and we wish each other better times. But downs are part of life, too – and sometimes you just NEED to feel like this – so we should be able to embrace them (carefully), wallow in them (if we want to), and cuddle up in bed with them (and a heat pad) for a pity-party under the covers.
We need to HONOUR THE CYCLE: the world turns, the tides ebb and flow, the seasons change… Like the universe, our bodies are just a smaller version of it all. Things die and change and it hurts, but it is necessary to allow space for the new energy to move in.
Life is NOT always a rose garden!
So when I was in the hospital on Thursday night/Friday morning, they took a tonne of my blood and put me on an IV (in case they had to operate) via a cannula. The cannula hurt but I expected that.
At about 4am, the junior ER doctor decided he didn’t believe that there was no fluid in my lap band so, unlike my doctor who merely puts the needle in the port with a slight prick (the needle, not the doctor!), this doctor finds the largest lap band needle in Victoria (and he sent to another hospital to get it!), gives me a local anaesthetic (which hurts but I expected that!), and then stabs me four times! Guess what? I was right – there was no fluid in my lap band. I had all the fluid removed when I became sick with depression and FM because I decided that I really didn’t give a rat’s arse (Aussie expression) about my weight until the rest of me was better. I had lost 35kgs and wasn’t in a better place (emotionally or physically!)
For those who don’t know, a lap band is like a sausage-shaped water balloon around you stomach. When you fill the balloon, it is harder for food to move into your stomach. When the balloon is empty, it is (supposed to be) easier for the food to enter your stomach. Now, there is a tube from the balloon to a port, which is attached to the inside wall of your tummy (you can feel it but you can’t see it) – this allows the doctors to change the amount of fluid in the balloon.
The point to this whole post is that the doctors and nurses did a lot of things in that hospital that hurt BUT the worst pain, the pain that I didn’t expect, and maybe because it’s the first time since all this crap rained down upon me, was removing the bandaids from my tummy and my hand. OMG!!!
Do you have the same thoughts going round and round in your head?
I’ll never be good enough.
Even if I try my hardest, I won’t be good enough!
You’re trying to figure it all out, but you just can’t see a way out of your own head *uck? Here are just 4 tools to add to your arsenal, which will interrupt this cycle, stop the spinning, allow you to catch your breath, and open up to new, exciting possibilities that you haven’t been able to see yet.
Stop everything! EVERYTHING! PAUSE…BREATHE! Allow everything to be exactly as it is, Release all resistance and attachment
Imagine yourself hanging on to whatever you’re holding on to, with your hands, for dear life, with a big black hole beneath you. Now, LET GO and allow yourself to fall, fall down the black hole, keep falling, until you land on a beautiful, soft platform of golden light. The Universe, God, or whatever you might believe in holds you, loves you and supports you. ALLOW IT!
Breathe…feel your body.
Breathe some more.
Breathe all the way down to your feet. Feel your feet touching the floor, wiggle your toes, push your big toes into the floor. Breathe deeply, sigh or groan as you breathe out. Try this at least 10 times.
What are you actually feeling?
Feel it! Express it! if you need to cry or scream, do it – it will leave you SO much lighter.
Not necessarily meditation or a formal way of relaxation – I mean do something you LOVE and can fully engage with, which will switch off your mind chatter (it can still be meditation if that is what you love).
Open up to new possibilities.
Ask questions without having specific answers in mind already, and without wanting them answered immediately. Simply ask and then forget about it. Allow space after the question, to free yourself from intellectualising it, and rather to be free to receive the answers when they come.
- What else is possible?
- What would the energy of my life be like, if I was living it for the joy of it?
- How could this situation be even better?
I’m kinda feeling like a boat with no rudder, like I’m running but with nothing to run towards.
I had a wonderful goal – to establish a charity that would help FM sufferers who needed help, financially and emotionally. The initial aim was to start in Victoria and then move on to the remainder of Australia. I couldn’t even get 50 Victorian sufferers who were willing to give me their names so I could show that we needed this kind of help.
And then, of course, my plans were (essentially) shot down in flames by Arthritis Victoria – but, then again, who can blame them? If Victorian sufferers don’t think we deserve some help, why should other Victorians?
But, it leaves me rudderless.
I shall continue to try to raise awareness, and use all funds collected from my shops and donation page (hmm…need not worry about that one as no-one has donated a cent) towards making posters, postcards and brochures, etc and distributing them in any way I can but, I no longer have a specific goal – which makes me sad and kinda makes it difficult to muster the desire to write about stuff…
As you know, I spend a lot of time with my Mommy – she makes up a major part of my life so, if you are going to have a conversation with me, she will probably be mentioned.
BUT, this post is NOT about my mother. It is about my father – Yes! I have a father! You haven’t heard about him much, have you? I can’t even remember if he has ever been mentioned in my blog at all. I love my dad very much but he’s the kind of father who figures that he got me to the age of 18, so he has done everything that he is supposed to do and can now just leave me be. Nonetheless, and unreasonably, I continue to strive to attain his approval and admiration. Realistically, I’m never going to get it. Yet, for some reason, I still try.
Now, I feel pretty safe about writing about this topic here because my father has never even bothered to look at my blog. According to ClustrMaps, 22,516 people have visited this blog – but not one of them is my father.
I’m not sure that my father actually knows what FM is – he doesn’t read any information that I forward to him in emails, so I printed it all out. He still didn’t bother to read anything – the papers are still sitting on the backseat of his car. He has never watched any of my videos. He hasn’t visited my Facebook page.
When I received 91% for my last (taxation law) exam, he said what happened to the last 9%. When I graduated with honours, he hadn’t even realised that I was graduating with honours and then asked why I wasn’t the dux. I stood outside the training sessions of his (religiously) favourite football team for three weeks in a row, in the middle of winter, so I could get him a football shaped port bottle signed by every member of the football team – the bottle sits in his garage. You get the idea.
Now, Mommy and Dad have been divorced/separated for over 20 years, and Dad has been with his current ‘partner’ for nearly 20 years. We don’t necessarily get along all of the time. She has been upset with me when I introduced her as Dad’s girlfriend, but she has also been upset when I said she was Dad’s partner. So, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to introduce her.
My father called me today for two reasons (and not one was to check how I was going): firstly, he was upset about one of my personal status updates on Facebook. I had written that I had woken up at 3am one morning, giggling, because I had been thinking (in my dream) how the pasties that strippers wear on their boobs could work on a penis. I have no idea about what the rest of the dream was about, but I thought it was funny, so I put it in a status update. Now what is really interesting is that Dad doesn’t look at Facebook (or that’s his excuse for not looking at my page) – his partner does, though.
The second reason he called was to tell me that, if I was trying to phone him around dinner time, call the house line. His partner thinks that I am trying to avoid speaking to her (rather than just making sure that I reach my father), so my father decided he should say something. Oh, and by the way, when you talk to her, be cordial, ask about her mother, her health, her sons…
But there are restrictions, I am not allowed to talk about my Mommy, or her partner, or that side of my family because she doesn’t like it. It upsets her.
So getting together with my father and his partner is a particularly comfortable setting – NOT! I don’t talk about my condition because they are not interested; I can’t talk about other stuff that I have been doing because, mostly, it involves my mother; and I am not permitted to get too excited about anything because then I’m acting like a child.
I don’t want to upset my father (still seeking his approval) so now, more often than not, I just shut up; but today’s phone call has my father asking me to involve her more because she feels left out.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I just can’t get it right. And this upsets me.
The bloody phone call happened about 4 hours ago and I’m still fuming.
Sorry about the rant (but at least it’s a new one and not about doctors!), and I could go on for pages and pages. At least you’ve now been introduced to my father.